When You're Afraid To Love Again

*Originally published on Thought Catalog.

I just want to believe that you’ll stay. I just want to know if you are real Or if we are both just desperate to lose ourselves in something new, To blur the lines between the life we lead and the one we wish we did. Or didn’t. I think it all depends on the time of day.

In the morning light, I am whole again. But then the afternoon fog clouds my vision and I am not sure who I am anymore. And when the sun sets, I am lost for sure. But there you are, standing there in the darkness with a single light. Beckoning me to come. So, I stumble towards you. Blindly. Desperately. Hoping that this time won’t be like the other times. Hoping that this time will actually mean something.

But I am so scared because all of this seems so different. And I have been here before. I have lost everything. And I just do not know if I have it in me to do it all again.

But there you are, standing there. So happy. So willing to meet me halfway. I could take your hand Or for once, I could just hold my own. And I would never have to know heartbreak again. But then I would never know true love either.

I am just out here, trying to navigate my loneliness. And I cannot tell if you are a detour or a dead end. Sometimes I feel like you don’t actually like talking to me. But then sometimes I think I am just making that up. It’s far easier to believe that you don’t find me interesting than to try to convince myself that you do. I have spent a lifetime looking in the mirror and wondering, “Why?” Now you are standing here, right in front of me, And all I want to do is ask you the same. Why?